Insomniac

I was an insomniac even as a child. As early as 4th grade I could remember crying at 3am cos I need to wake up at 5am.

Nope, never missed school despite. But those were dark days I used to attribute to teen angst. When I reached my 20s I hold my insomnia as a badge, something I can live with and be proud of living with, like a disability. I even named my blogs from it.

Now, looking back, I am worried. Was I a depressed teen then and just didn't know? Did I have anxiety even before I thought I started having the attacks? 

I am glad I survived it but I am afraid so little was done to help. I didn't know I needed help.

Linear

One thing I've noticed is that I would have an on-going theme. These themes would run concurrently to my life. There was a time when my interests are all about career. I read The Devil Wears Prada. I wear heels. I watch Lipstick Jungle. Then came traveling, I started the blog Running On Stilettos. One time it was all about finding my truth and my history. I have read so much asian novels - The Last Concubine, The Last Geisha, The Kitchen God's Wife.

Now I have Prison Break. Just got thru a Stranger Things phase and a Gilmore Girl phase. What does it mean? Who knows but chances are, if it lasts, it's concurrent to what phase I am living through right now.

Back To Writing

I've been a prolific blogger in my 20s. I found my piece of cosy space in the cyberworld where I can put on roots. I felt I was being heard before social media and oversharing became a thing. In fact, I thought I was too good at it I even started to give advise despite the fact I have very limited following.

Ah. The invisibility of youth.

Once I became a mom and transitioned into my 30s I just lost it. I found facebook and I was content to share there. Mind you, I tried multiple times to go back into blogging. As a therapy. As a means to ground myself once again. I failed multiple times and had to shut down multiple blogs without even attempting to save the few pieces I managed to write there. One thing though that I can specifically remember about my first few blogs is this -- it was all about my life then, the life and haze of an insomniac, the fast lane life of a career girl and a traveller wannabe. Maybe that's why it worked. It worked because it I was writing about where I was needed to be.

Honestly, I couldn't say whether this would prosper or not. I just want my small piece of space again. I just want to be grounded again. Motherhood has given me so much perspective I feel I am where I have always wanted to be at - home.

Thinking of a name, of a link, of a personality for this space took all 2 minutes. Reminding myself that it's mine and should reflect my life now. I am still running around nowadays, not in stilettos but in comfy rubber soled flats. I still am an insomniac and my days are still hazy but I don't have my rose colored glasses on and the tinge has long been gone and I now stare at the glaring incandescent light of what life I have built. But beyond all that, I have a little girl that is my world, whose breathing at 2am is the only conversation I needed to hear.